1) Freak Em Out a Bit 

 If you’re traveling alone, the trip can be very meditative, especially with the amount of alone time sitting in your own sweat, but after a while you start imagining how you can roll the other car right behind you into a ditch while you keep ahead on your journey. Or for the faint of heart, counting how many license plates from other states you see. Anyways, after thinking about the amount of people who have leaked and geeked on the same journey as me, it made me wonder who has not made it back. That’s why you have to make sure to scare yourself/your partner with real world abduction stories. Nothing is more relaxing or interesting than repeating what you heard from a mystery podcast composed of two white women, talking about how they interpret a story of a 26-year-old woman hoping to get across multiple state lines without being captured after murdering her boyfriend. Even if you’re not alone, this kind of topic is perfect when you’re traveling with your partner/significant other, someone new even. There’s nothing creepier than being in a car with a dude you barely know, while he’s talking about abduction. Which brings us to my next tip.

2) "It's not so bad!"

When you’re traveling with someone whom you call a best friend, partner, loved-one, etc., it’s inevitable that you have at least one argument. I don’t make the rules, I just interpret them. It’s normal for us as humans, so, whenever they are pushing the wrong buttons, it’s never a bad idea to just book the worst hotel possible. Nothing embodies payback and retribution like sleeping in a hotel room that smells like 2-day-old vomit and an air conditioner that doesn’t blow anything below 74 degrees. Yeah sure, they won’t speak to you for the night, but if you don’t wake up in New Mexico with a bag around your head and a bald dude who looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter’s grandpa giving you a stern look like you really screwed the pooch, then I say they should get over it once you hit the road. How are they going to stay mad after surviving an experience like that? 

3) Fuck You Buc-ee's!

Lastly, an important yet underrated aspect of long-distance traveling is the amount of sleep you get. Like some of us mildly depressed energizer bunnies, we like to stay up and fill our brains with whatever the algorithm decides to spit at us, but then when it’s time to hit the road, we’re swerving into the other lane and being saved by the rumble strips. So, what do you do to make sure your last day alive isn’t next to a Chevron? Fill your bladder. Now if you’re like me, this is no problem, because I gotta have at least 3 different beverages in me trying to co-exist , but for some people they tend to baby-sip and enjoy in moderation. Personally, I wouldn’t have a problem staying awake when I’m trying to play twister in the driver’s seat to keep from pissing myself. As that happens, you might hallucinate and be irritable, so if you’re traveling with someone else, advise them that they shouldn’t mess with you in any way with several liters of liquid ready to flow right through you. If the strain of your seatbelt presses against your bladder to a point of no escape, just unbuckle it. The sense of disobeying the law and living on the edge would surely keep someone sharp enough to keep their eyes glued open. Your partner wouldn’t want to excite you sexually either, unless they have that sort of piss fetish, which I mean, all power to you. Pour up. 

You were probably expecting some tips like bringing an 82-ounce water bottle to refill or a pocket knife for protection or practical use, but if you already don’t have things like that packed then just give up, throw in the towel, and stay home. I was thinking of doing 5 tips, but I can only share with you what I feel is most important. You wouldn’t want me to tell you to bring wet wipes for your mud butt, or some sunglasses that are too small on your fat face, or even a nice cozy itty-bitty sweater for when you get chilly– shut the fuck up. Like I said, if you don’t have any of that, turn the engine off, get back in the house, and turn some slow jazz on, you bum. However, road trips at the end of the day must be appreciated. They’re a getaway from the norm, which gives you a glimpse to other parts of this Earth that can be uglier than a dog or breathtaking. Now you see, I’m a veteran. Not military, but in driving long-distances, and if there’s one thing that I can tell you undoubtedly to bring when facing 500 miles plus of wide-open road, is make sure to bring some balls. The road is relentless, and if you’re not careful, it can swallow you whole and crush your spirit like a walnut. So, read up on human trafficking, book that Red Roof Inn, and chug away whatever teas, coffees, waters or fruit punches you can because that playlist of chill vibe bangers will get pretty fucking old.